Living in and out of reality as I chase my dreams sky high.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Last Words...

Last words...they are the most important ones of all. I try and remember so hard what it was that my grandfather said to me for the last time and I can't remember. I wish I had spoken to him on the phone more often, or payed attention to what he was saying more often. Because everytime I left those foot steps I never thought that this would be the last time I would see him, everytime I put down the phone I didn't think this would be the last time I would hear him. It was always I will come again next year. I remember how upset I was with him before I left. I was angry that he wasn't listening to me, but the truth was I wasn't listening to him. He loved me the most, and trusted me the most yet I was the one who left him. I remember him saying to me "Go to School in India, I will take care of you, but maybe now I need you to take care of me.". I remeber blatently saying "How can I stay here? My parents live in Singapore. My life is in Singaore!". He looked at me with heavy eyes, and smiled. I had broken his heart for the first time, and I think that had done it for him then. I wish now that I hadn't taken him for granted, I wish now that I would have stayed with him. I miss him so much, and I often think about what he would say about how far I have come. As strict as he was, as different as he was, he loved me very much. I don't remember our exact last words, but I remember seeing him for the last time before he died. I remember him standing behind the car and waving goodbye. I remember that all so clearly. He stood there waving to me, and I looked back and waved back at him. I remember hugging him tightly, but at that exact moment I feel like my head was somewhere else. I was somewhere else. I miss him terribly, and I wish that for once I could hold on to him again. I want to hear him again, but I can't. I want to appologize for being selfish, and hurtful but I can't! I feel that will forever be my biggest suffering, knowing that my grandfather wasn't at peace with me. I will forever live with that guilt and maybe that is my punishment, one I have so readily accepted.

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

You're the only thing in your way!

Play the song before you start reading.

Cloud Cult- You're the only thing in your way

So if the music is playing you really have to pay no attention to what I am writing because I am going to spit the song back to you in the form of my enlightenment.

I woke up today thinking why am I not happy with myself? What am I missing? What do I want? How do I get what I want? So many questions. I made a list of several things I wanted to accomplish, and I asked myself what was stopping me from doing what I wanted? I was looking to hard, pinpoiting the blame on college, people, or just anything I could find. Then it came to my attention the reason I am not doing what I want is because of me. I am at fault, and there is no excuse for that, because its all me. ITS ALL ME. If I want to do something, I need to get off my sorry ass, and go out and do it. I made a list of ten things I wanted to achieve this year, and I was going to go after and do them all. I have no excuse because I have all the resources avilable to me. I have everything right here in my hands, and now its up to me to go out and get what I want. There are so many doors lined up, now I just have to chose the one I want, and walk through it. If you have the courage to dream, then you have the stregth and ability to do anything!

There are complainers, and there are doers. Be a doer. Because no matter what the odds are, doers find loopholes to get what they want, whliest complainers remain stuck exactly where they were. I have decided to be a doer!

"You are the wind, the flood, and the flame.
Nothing can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now you're the only thing in your way!"

So what are you? A complainer or a doer?

Monday, 17 March 2014

Spring Break: Adventures in and out of the city

Spring break came earlier than anticipated, and I wanted to keep it low key. I am doing this thing called trying to save money...which never happens because in between paying bills, and trying to have a minimal social scene, there ends up being no money. I am thinking of taking up more shifts. I kind of could do with the money for my India trip this summer. Either way I went over to a relatives house, I call her my aunt but really she is my mom's first cousin. I don't know how the whole thing works, whether she is my second cousin or just my aunt. Different people say different things, but I just call her my aunt. Wow, I went quite off on a rant with that one. What matters is that I went over to her gorgeous home in New Jersey, and by gorgeous I mean GORGEOUS. I loved it so much, she is such a lovely person, and her children and husband are just so welcoming. I made a few trips to the city which were fun.

Usually I would have the whole house to myself during the day, the nanny would be in the house but she would be busy doing her work. I brought a book with me to indulge in. I've been putting off reading this book since January, I've heard such great things about it, but I am scared. I don't want to fall in love with a tragedy...I don't know...recently I put off watching sad things, or reading sad things. But I finally started reading this book, I haven't gotten very far, but its a start.

We were blessed with amazing weather, and I took advantage of it by staying outside as much as I could. My aunt has a lovely patio in her backyard, and I would just sit out all day and read. I've come to realize that I crave the sun now more than ever, so any opportunity I get I run outside greet the sun. 

I would basically wake up, eat, read, watch netflix, and hang out with my cousins. The great thing at my aunts house is that everyone was on a diet, so I was basically on a all you can eat buffet since no one would eat half the things. Guilty pleasure....I checked today, and NO I HAVEN'T GAINED WEIGHT! #success 
I just hashtaged...#YOLO? HAHAHAHA

Then came my various trips into the city. It was estatic! I took the train, which was an hours commute. It was an excellent way to travl, and I honestly enjoyed it. 

It was a pretty standard day, we basically just chilled in timesquare. We sat on the stairs and watched the city move, and because it was such a lovely day outside, we were able to sit down and soak in the sun. I realized something very creepy about me...I like absorving people. I like watching them, they all add to the various characters of the stories I am writing in my head. In fact all my stories are inspired by people around me. I don't know if this is a writer thing, or a Serena thing.

I made my friend walk 15 blocks to find this famous food cart on the fifth avenues. I ordered the chicken over rice, and this was absoloutely amazing. I loved it so much! I on another day was able to eat the famous Halal Guys. (Not pictured).

We found this cool litte cart that made handmade belgium chocolates, and he offered me some. I ended up buying some for $5. It was great, and absolouely delicious, and a great way to sweeten the mouth ater the crazy spice venture.

Saw people filming in Central Park...:O

The Indian Flag Soaring high! 

Maybe I am the only one who thinks this, but I personally believe David Letterman has the best late night show. His monologue isn't the best, but his interviews are always the best. I absolouetly love them!

One of the days my friend and I just explored all of central Park on our mission to find the famous Boat House, which I might add was not as imppressive as I had thought it would be. But yes it was beautiful.


I found this awesome guy on my way back home one of the days, and he was playing one of my favoriet songs, and he played it so beautifully! I forgot which station this was at, but I remember standing there for 15 minutes just listening to him. I pulled out whatever change I had left and dropped it in his little orange bucket. I looked inside and there was barely anything in there. He should have his whole bucket full of money! Honestly sometimes I wonder why people like him who add so much life, and culture to New York don't get much back. Its a thought I suppose...why some people who create such beautiful moments in others daily lives, get so little in return. 

So my friend made me walk around the block, and round and round again all to find this bakery. She was going on and on about a fmous black, and white cookie. Which I had never heard of, and apparently its one of NY's finnest. So whilest I complained about what seemed like the never ending walk I found myself quite satisfied with that black and white cookie. Try it, and if you do get it from this place. 

I shall leave it on that sweet note. Spring Break was a great get away from college life. But honestly I really loved school. But I went on a hunt for quite some questions...none of which I was able to I guess I am now on the road for soul searching. 

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Resonse to: Most Shocking Second a Day Video

I came across this video yesterday, and there was a lot I wanted to say. I feel as if it highlighted everything I want to say to people. The problem with the world we live in is that its only half the world. We the privileged are secluded from the other side of the world. We want to see, but we allow our society to be our eyes. Blinded by our routine, that we take little or no interest in looking to the other side, and in this we allow ourselves to live in ignorance. Some say ignorance is a harsh word, but what else can it be then? Maybe its not our fault for not knowing, but how much longer are we going to excuse ourselves. Its not right to live so comfortably, without a shadow of doubt about the cruelty going on. Just because you are living in comfort today doesn't guarantee it forever.

 We commonly use the term "Put yourself in someone else's shoes", yet how often do we apply it? We might not be aware of the pain our society inflicts on others, but doesn't mean we should excuse ourselves, because its important to take into account at whose cost we are able to smile today.

In simpler words like this video puts it, just because its not happening to you doesn't mean its not happening!

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Have a listen...

Ghost (Radio Edit) by Jeremy Messersmith

I came across this song today on spotify, and I just had to share it. Ahh there is just something oh so lovely about it. Its so beautiful, and it really pulls strings in my heart. After just listening to it once, I went and listened to the entire album. I honestly wish I had known of Jeremy Messersmith long before. The album Heart Murmurs is genius work, and honestly I would recommend having a listen, because you won't be disappointed. Even if you're not into this type of music, there is no harm in just giving it a try. Who knows you just might fall in love with it (:

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Response to a viral video: Homeless Lottery Winner

When I heard of this video, I thought this was a sick joke, but as I watched the video this literally made my day. People who incredible things like this touch my heart! When that homeless man took of his gloves to receive that money, that just shows how much he values that money, or how grateful he was. Taking of his gloves was a sign of respect, a humbleness that us people who have so much lack. It got me thinking just how brilliant this soul is, how unselfish this soul is. He did not grab the money, he contained his excitement and took of his gloves, and received the money with dignity. Something that we people who are better of lack so much. We do lack it don't we? When was the last time you cherished the penny you received? I know I didn't. I just took out money from my bank, and I didn't think twice about the money I took out. The twinkle that man had in his eyes, was priceless. The tears in his eyes were genuine, so painful, yet so relieving. When this man cried, it broke my heart. What an incredible smile, what an incredible soul. How? How can some of us have so much, and some of us have so little. Why is it that the world runs like this?

I guess what I am trying to say is that, next time you see a poor man. Look into his eyes with kindness, and offer him what you can.  But when you give him money, hold out your hands, let him take from your hand, because you are not doing them a favor by giving them money. They are doing you a favor. They are poor so you can be rich. So don't give, let them take. Because they owe you. Remember that!

A pint of ice-cream at 2 am...

I sit here with a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge ice-cream, and its not even Valentines Day! In fact its 2 am, and I have an essay to write which is due tomorrow. But lately I don't feel like doing any work, lately I feel like sitting on my bed watching sappy love stories, and eating ice-cream. Life is unpredictable at times, but right now its very much straightforward. For the first time I am not all over the place, yet I feel like I need to be. For the first time I feel immensely stable, yet there is a part of me that I didn't even know existed. I feel so figured out, but lost all at the same time. Its such an odd thing to not know but know, to not think, and then start thinking so suddenly. Who have I become? I keep asking myself if I am the same girl I was 6 months ago? Am I still insane, unfiltered, crazy, and Serena? Or am I now this whole new person who isn't really me? But I think I have finally come with a diagnosis to my problem. I have traded in my luxury of flip flops, warm weather, and summer clothes to winter boots, cold wind, and fur coats. I have traded in timeless dreaming, hopeful thinking and chaotic planning to living in reality, thinking for today, and a structured outline of life. I am living my dream not sky high, but right here on the ground. So then what seems to be the problem? The problem is that I still have one question pending. I am not afraid of rejection, but I need to be free. I need to be freed from that thought that haunts me day and night, that thought that doesn't let me move on. I have loved, I have loved very hard, and I have been broken...shattered...destroyed. But I am not afraid of destruction. No not anymore. I am not afraid of heart break, because love doesn't mean what it use to mean anymore. What I need, or so what I want is an answer. I need to know why? I need to know if? And I need to know what next? So if I am not afraid to confront you, why don't I pick up the phone? I don't know...

So then what now? If I don't confront you, if I don't talk to you, if I don't get my answer. How will I continue? I looked into myself today, and I realized that I would rather romanticize the thought of us than have to deal with the reality of us. You and I are a great story, but a that's something worth debating. All this contemplating but still no answer. I guess its true then, if I had known what love was I was foolish, because if I had felt pain before it was trivial, because what I feel now, what I feel for you. I feel brave. I feel like a warrior. I fought you every day, and I fought whatever it was that I felt for you. But now I'm not fighting anymore. Now I am confronting, now I am admitting. Now I am saying. NO! Now I am SCREAMING! I love you.

So now what does this mean? Hopeless romantic? Heart Break? Because like I said reality is not something worthy of our relationship. So then what? I feel empowered, because that's what love does to you. I feel brave, I feel strong. I am strong, I am brave. I am everything, because love. Love was never mean't to make you weak, but the opposite. So here I am being strong, being brave, being me. I am doing everything right for the first time in my life. But where are you?

So then its true. You are Peter, and I am Wendy. But Peter and Wendy can never be a reality because they are better of innocent. All this while I thought she was Wendy, but she isn't. So its settled. You are Peter and I am Wendy. So that was a dream, because Peter doesn't exist beyond dreams. So this now is post dream. This now is reality, and this is me facing reality. Not heart broken, or mistaken, and not hopeless, but strong.

Its 2:38 am now, and I have an empty pint, and a blank paper. I still need to write my essay.
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