Living in and out of reality as I chase my dreams sky high.

Thursday, 30 April 2015

One pint of Ben & Jerry's later...

Somehow a pint of ice-cream has always put everything into perspective. Sunita and I have something called Fat Thursdays...well we haven't given it an official name yet. However, it often consists of us eating a whole load of junk food which we tend to get from Rogans, and then we put on a sad sappy love story and laugh about how pathetic our love lives have gotten. It's a good thing we chose food rather than shots of tequila, because everyone knows how that would end. However, the point is every time I look at an empty pint of ice-cream I think about what my Mother would say. She would scream at me for being a mess, and not having my life together. Also she would probably get more worked up about the calories that I didn't bother thinking about before I eat all that ice-cream. I usually always end up regretting my decision to eat all that ice-cream, but I never learn. I don't think I will ever learn. However, every empty pint makes me realize the real problem in my life. Today I realized that I am trying to hard to be someone I am not. I am looking too hard for this sense of acceptance, or this sense of assurance about who I have become. Its not that I am no longer the Serena from high school, I think I chose not to be her consciously. I associate that version of myself with someone else, I associate her with all the terrible things when in reality she was probably the purest form I will ever be. I don't want to regret the person I've become, but this person well parts of this person that I've become isn't me. I am not her, I can't erase the mistakes I've made nor bring back that innocence but this person that I can't recognize isn't me. I don't know whether its a conflict or what, but I've found myself second guessing everything. How did I get here? All because I wanted to erase one name, and in erasing that name I erased everything about me. Except that name is still here but everything else associated with that name is gone. I want to fight it, but that name won't ever leave me. Maybe that was the purest form of love I ever felt, and maybe he was the purest form of love there ever will be, and in trying to rid of him, in trying to rid of his name I ended up with nothing pure but him. You were right like you always said your name would always be engraved with who I was and who I want to be. I can't go back to her because I wouldn't know where to begin. I tried to find your missing presence in someone else but I was cheated in the end. I cheated myself, and here I am again finding that missing piece. Here I make that mistake again, I am looking for a missing piece in you thinking that you will bring back me. I won't wait for you, I made that clear the day I left, so why now am I in hopes that you'll catch up to me somehow. You never took a piece of you with me, instead you left your pieces with me. I can't be her again, but maybe I can be better. I say this is my final goodbye to that version of me, and to this version, because I am ready to be better. I am ready to get lost in the new colors Spring brings. I know I am ready to feel vulnerable again. I am ready to finally let you go. Goodbye. 
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